Undecided

By A.E. Bayne

Marriage was not good for me, but it was good
sometimes
a woman has guilty pleasures in a marriage.

I wrapped myself in a shy shadow,
and folded those traits that made me vibrant
neatly into the corners of my heart.

His heart contracted around its own trappings and talents,
so I kept my own neatly packed away,
at times rifling through that treasured chest
to pull one out and dazzle my friends.

They marked me, an acid kiss.

And so I lived with my husband and child
wondering if I really wanted this.
Would I be selfish if I admitted
that being one half of anything was not part of my reality?

And if I decided that I only wanted a child,
who would be the first to condemn me for not
providing an appropriate role model,
providing an appropriate home model,
providing an appropriate name?

(The President of the United States with his agenda; my parents with their concern; my family with their scrutiny; people on the street with disdain; the media with statistics on single parent households; my liberal best friend with a stray, bone-honest comment)

And if I had chosen to have no children would I have heard
for the rest of my reproductive years
about the joy, the elation of having a child,
the fulfillment of bearing from my womb,
the "When are you going to..." or
"So, have you thought about..." or
"Not much time left, you’re not getting any younger, you know..."

And if I had never wanted to marry at all,
decided that having a partner, a family, was not for me,
would I be judged a cold, hard fish of a woman;
an emotional recluse; a wretch?
Would people begin to wonder,
"Who would want her"
and would I care if they did?

Would the shrink question my sanity if I did not
want to share my life, my talents, my Self,
if I wanted only to rip open the corners of my heart
and use that which I was born with in a manner to which I saw fit.