Sell it to me, Baby, uh-huh, uh-huh!

By A.E. Bayne

It has come to my attention of late (we’re talking 2:30 A.M., people) that advertisements have taken a turn toward the absurd. This is especially true of ads on social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace. Take this one, for instance:

Cats love our Faerie Beds. They're snuggly, comfy, cozy and made in California. Other unique cat products too at www.CatFaeries.com.

First of all, these so-called faerie beds are nothing special; they’re simply cat beds like you’d buy at any PetSmart or WalMart. Second, am I to understand that these beds are special because they’re made in California? If that’s true, then why not make them from something uniquely Californian, like redwoods or marijuana plants?

Here’s another one:

Krystal Ball for Congress! Virginia has no women in Congress! Help Virginia elect the youngest woman ever to Congress, UVA grad Krystal Ball. Donate today!

This is fantastic. Congress could really use more women, and more crystal balls. If you walked into Congress tomorrow and told the old guard that they were getting birds AND crystal balls, well things would turn around in no time – especially if the women were wearing stilettos. Precognition, sex, and vulnerability all wrapped up in one name. She’s a shoe-in.

Some of my favorite ads are those that make me feel like an inadequate dater, like this one:

White collar escort service: Are you a loser? Want to look like the beautiful couple in this picture? Smell the money at www.datewhietcollar.com. (Models available in Beach Baby Tan, Bermuda Blueblood, and Ultra Rico Suave)

Okay, so that’s not what the ad really said, but it’s a close facsimile.

Now this one really ropes me in:

Dominican Salon in PG (Prince Georges County, fool): Cheap blow-outs, hair care, and bounce!

THAT is a look I’ve been attempting to cultivate for years: a mass of cheap, bouncy frizz. Awesome!

Other ads that pop up include promises that I might live in Falls Church (done that), that I can buy a Wilco album at their next show in Delaware (damn, missed Wolftrapp tickets), that a team of decorators will design my dream kitchen (happy with mine), asking me if I know Taalam Acey (spoken word poet?), and that I too can find serenity now (if I visit a shop in Alexandria that sells wind chimes).

I think I am taxing the website’s resources, because the ads are taking a turn into the realm of the bizarre with no rhyme or reason. Look at this one:

Join Quacky Raffle FREE! Quacky Raffle is the free raffle that picks a new winner every week. Your ticket could be the lucky one - Sign up today and GOOD LUCK.

Seriously? This is what I’m left with – a deranged looking white duck with wild schizophrenic lettering that screams, “Time Suck!”